My Decision

 When I was 19, I made the decision to have you and raise you, among many other choices that I had. In my late 20s, I found myself taking care of my parents financially without any help. I had to work around the clock and was rarely home. Then I met someone who ended up taking up more of my time, but looking back, it was a big mistake. The biggest of my life. It took me 15 years to realize this regret, and for the past 12 years, I've been trying to apologize for my blindness.

You claimed to forgive me, but your treatment towards me remains hurtful. Whenever you have the chance to hurt me, you take it, as demonstrated on Mother's Day when you chose someone else over me. I can't compete with her. Even when I went to see my granddaughter, it became evident where I stand in your life and how you feel about me. It's apparent that you haven't truly forgiven me, and I don't know what else I can do. I feel like I'm fighting a battle I can never win.

Actual Headlines today:
Father buries 6-year-old daughter alive overnight
Mom tried to hire hitman to kill 3-year-old son
Latest: police searching for missing toddler in a landfill. Mother prime suspect
Child found locked in dog kennel said he lived outside for months

The headlines in the news today about parental neglect and abuse make me wonder if you compare me to those terrible parents. I urge you to take a deep look within yourself or speak to your therapist to understand the anger you harbor. I can no longer be your punching bag. The nasty texts you sent me your words hurt me deeply. That is what you wanted to achieve, and you did. I stopped reading them and I heard that it disappointed you.

It's crucial to remember that being nasty to anyone, regardless of the circumstances, is unacceptable.
I realize there's nothing I can do to change your negative thoughts about me. You made up your mind when you took the cheater back. Maybe one day something will change your perspective. I'm trying to be patient because I've worked hard on myself to find contentment in life. I know what I have at hand, and I am happy. Happiest that I have ever been. I tried and I tried, but you are so stubborn in your way of thinking. You claim to be religious; your behavior isn't reflective of a Christian.

Ultimately, you are only hurting yourself and your child, I have seen you do the same thing to her that I did to you. I apologize again and again for the time lost with you. It feels like a never-ending cycle., I can’t keep subjecting myself to this emotional roller coaster that you've created in my life. I do not think my worst enemy deserves to be treated this way.

Sometimes I wished I had put you up for adoption, wondering how different things might have been for both of us. Every time I confide in another parent they gasp. As your mother, this message is heavy-hearted and difficult for me to write, but I can no longer endure this abuse and negativity. However, I've come to accept the situation. I have finally stopped crying when I hear the song "You are the Reason". I think I need to take steps back or just walk away.